and so we both sit
broken
why
how
did we get here
there is the inevitable
crumbling
caving in
of my heart
I am exhausted
took the turns
rounded corners
hung on for the ride
game of catch and release
cruel game, if it was a game
yet here we both sit
broken
facing once again
the question of alone
searching the torrent
of words for a sign
I look at my empty hand
and imagine the warmth
how is it that we are both broken
and so we both sit
broken
why
how
did we get here
there is the inevitable
crumbling
caving in
of my heart
I am exhausted
took the turns
rounded corners
hung on for the ride
game of catch and release
cruel game, if it was a game
yet here we both sit
broken
facing once again
the question of alone
I look at my empty hand
and imagine the warmth
how is it that we are both broken
the screaming took a piece
having to get angry
makes me angry
of me and left it out to die
threw my words out
with all the strength
of my fury
but this is not who
I want to be
I want to fall slowly
into the silence of
being understood
without having to make
myself understood
I want to be still
in the embrace
of acceptance
all that I have
offered is all I
have ever wanted
I come here to think
she thought to herself
as she looked at the sky
then she looked down
and pulled weeds
cleaning so fruit would grow
I come here to feel
her heart swelled and
she felt the sun on her
entire being, warming
the cold of hidden agendas
I come here to speak,
question, seek
how can we know
if we have chosen well
how can we be sure
where to place that
next step, each step
taking us closer to
somewhere but is
it where we really
want to go
I come here to be
with myself and
remind myself
of who I am
I get these from time to time and it’s that time again, when I feel extremely melted inside. It’s 7:17am. I’m about to sub for a class at a studio I’ve never been to before. One of my students last week recommended me to sub at the studio where she teaches. Looking forward to 17 yr old’s piano recital. Then I and the little kids are off to a yogi get together in Temecula. This heart of mine…feels like it needs to rest in the company of a very kind friend.
what else to feel
but gratitude for
the image in the
mirror held up to me
seeing what I could
not see, that I was
becoming who I
did not mean to be
head on my knees
knees at the feet
of He who asked
who would cast
the first stone
thorn buried so deep
it could not be found
to be pulled out
tear open the dressing
to reveal the wound
raw and thirsty for air
never was never will be
the pain I know too well
release me now to
sin no more
for my accusers
have all left
Having trouble with handling things right now. I wish for a simpler life. Is that possible? My mom wishes to die. She fights with 9 yr old who shares a room with her. My 17 yr old is tortured because her boyfriend insists on carrying on a friendship with another girl. She is accepting it but it’s eating her up inside. The 9 yr old tries to get out of homework whenever he can. Husband is on a trip right now. Every time he goes away he fears he may not come back.
These are the dark spots of my life. What do I do with them? I can’t solve them. I have to turn them over to the light.
Faith. It’s the only way out of darkness. Exercise my faith. What does that mean? It means every morning I get up and say good morning to the people of my life, specially the ones who insist on being unhappy. It means I call every one morning and evening for family prayer. It means I search the scriptures for guidance and commune with my Heavenly Father constantly. I take my fledgeling family to church every Sunday. Together we try to follow the Savior. We pay attention to the spirit’s promptings. It means we don’t give up, I don’t give up. Enduring means enduring.
I know we are not alone in this earthly journey. I know we are children of God and He loves us. I know He is real and that His Son came down to show us how to love and how to live. He lights our way back to our Heavenly Father. I know these things to be true because the spirit has made them known to me in my mind and heart so that I cannot deny their truthfulness. No earthly philosophy, historical imperfection or even frailties of men can take away from the reality of the testimony of the spirit, words of truth that have been given to me that I am loved. This is what we all need and want but do not always know how to receive. It is both something to work diligently for and a gift. It is for all through the gospel of Jesus Christ.
He was born of humble birth. He grew in wisdom, stature and highly favored by God and man. His was a perfect life. He never had a career or riches. Eventually, He was both hated and loved. He was hated by those who did not accept Him and loved by His followers. In the garden of Gethsemane he atoned for our pain, paid the price for us, ransomed us because He loves us with a perfect love. Then he suffered torture and death but rose again that we might also rise again. His love for me gives me strength to carry on, not because I intellectually know He loves me, but because I feel it and this makes it real.
In His name these things I declare to be true, to be my faith. It is all I have and it is everything. It may not sound like much but it is not as it sounds. And now to carry on, to continue doing those things that will bring this peace to those I love, that will bring us closer to heaven on earth, because I know it can.
Amen.
